An EITC First Division Story based off the acclaimed Pirates of Penzance!Edit

Featuring hit songs like:

  • Pour O Pour the Pirate Orange Juice
  • Very Model of Modern Marine Captain
  • When the Pirate bears his Cutlass
  • A Soldier's Lot is not a happy one
  • With Cat Like Tread 
  • And many, many more!

And characters such as...

As well as a chrous of Pirates, Captain Richard's Sisters and Marines.

Act I Edit

The Rum Cellar, Rumrunners Island. As the curtain rises, groups of pirates sit around the bar - some drinking, some playing cards. The Old Man is going from on group to another, filling the pirate's cups from a flask. Freddy is seated in a despondant attitude at the rear of the bar.


ALL:  Pour, oh pour the pirate orange juice;

Fill, O fill the pirate glass;

And, to make us more than merry,

Let the Pizza pass!

OLD MAN: For today your pirate 'prentice 

Rises from indenture freed;

Weak his arm, but keen his scent,

He's a pirate now indeed!

ALL: Here's good luck to Freddy's ventures!

Freddy's out of his indentures.

OLD MAN: Two and twenty now he's rising,

And alone he's fit to fly,

Which we're bent on signalizing 

With unusual revelry!

ALL: Yes, here's good luck to Freddy's ventures,

Freddy's out of his indentures!

Freddy rises and comes forwards with the Pirate Tsar, who enters.

TSAR: Yes, Freddy, my boy, from today you rank as a full blown member of our band!

FIRST PIRATE: We have a band?

SECOND PIRATE: Not that kind of band idiot!

FREDDY: My friends, I thank you all, from my heart, for your kindly wishes. 

Would that I could repay them as they deserve!

TSAR: What do you mean?

FREDDY: Today I am out of my indentures, and today I leave you for ever.

TSAR: But this is quite unaccountable; a keener hand at scuttling an EITC Conqueror or cutting out a War Brig never shipped a handspike.

FREDDY: Yes, I have done my best for you. And why? It was my duty under my indentures, and I am the slave to duty. As a child I was regularly apprenticed to your band. It was through an error -- no matter, the mistake was ours, not yours, and I was honour bound by it.

JIMMY: An error? What error?

FREDDY: I may not tell you; it would reflect dearlay upon my beloved Ruth.

RUTH: Nay, dear master, my mind has long been gnawed by the cankering tooth of mystery. Better have it our at once.


RUTH: When Freddy was a little lad he proved so brave and daring

His father thought he'd 'prentice him to some career seafaring.

I was, alas! His nursemaid, and so it fell to my lot

To take and bind the promising boy apprentice to a pilot!

I was a stupid nursemaid, on breaker always steering,

And I did not catch the word aright, though being hard of hearing;

Mistaking my instructions, which within my brain did gyrate,

I took and bound this promising boy apprentice to a pirate!

RUTH: Oh, pardon! Freddy, pardon! (kneels)

FREDDY: Rise, sweet one, I have long pardoned you.

RUTH: The two words were so much alike!

FREDDY: They were. They still are, though years have rolled over their heads. But this afternoon my obligation ceases. Individually, I love you all with effect ion unspeakable, except the old man whom I haven't a clue of his identity! But, collectively, I look upon you with disgust that am mounts to absolute detestation. Oh, pity me, my beloved friend, for such is my sense of duty that, once out of my indentures, I shall feel myself bound to devote myself heart and soul to your extermination!

OLD MAN: Poor lad

ALL: Poor lad! (all weep)

TSAR: Well, Freddy, if you feel that it is your duty to destroy us,

we cannot blame you for acting on that conviction!

JIMMY: Besides, we can offer you but little to no temptation to remain with us.

For we don't seem to make piracy pay. I'm sure I dont know why, but we dont!

FREDDY: I know why, but, alas! I mustn't tell you; it wouldn't be right.

TSAR: Why not, my boy? It's only half-past eleven, and you are one of us until twelve!

JIMMY: True, and until then you are bound to protect our interests.

OLD MAN: Hear, Hear!

PIRATES: Hear, Hear!

FREDDY: Well, then, it is my duty to, as a pirate, to tell you that you are too tender-hearted. For instance, you make a point of never attacking a weaker party then yourselves, and when you do attack a stronger party you invariably get thrashed!

TSAR: There is... some truth to that.

FREDDY: Then, again, you make a point of never attacking an orphan!

JIMMY: Of course, we are orphans ourselves, and know how it feels.

FREDDY: Yes, but it has got about, and what is the consequence? Everyone we capture claims he's an orphan! One would think the EITC Mercantile Navy was recruited solely from orphanages, which we know is not true!

JIMMY: But you wouldn't have us completely merciless would you?

FREDDY: There's my difficulty; until twelve o'clock I would, after twelve I wouldn't. 

Was ever a man placed in such a tight spot behind the eight ball?

RUTH: And Ruth, your own Ruth, whom you love so well, and who has won her middle aged way into your boyish heart, what is to become of her?

TSAR: Oh, he will take you with him! (hands her to Freddy)

FREDDY: Well, Ruth, I feel some difficulty about you.

It is true I admire you very much, but I have been at sea since I was eight years old, and yours is the only woman's face I have seen during that time. I eh... think... it is a sweet face.


FREDDY: I say I think it is; that is my impression. But as I have never had an

opportunity of comparing you with other women, it is just possible I may be mistaken.

TSAR. True.

FREDDY: What a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry this innocent person,

and then find out that she is, on the whole, plain!

TSAR: Oh, Ruth is very well, very well indeed.

OLD MAN: Yes, there are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth.

FREDDY: Do you really think so?

OLD MAN: I do.

FREDDY: Then I will not be so selfish as to take her from you. In justice to her, and

in consideration for you, I will leave her behind. (Hands RUTH to TSAR.)

TSAR: No, Freddy, this must not be. We are rough men, who lead a rough life,

but we are not so utterly heartless as to deprive thee of thy love. I think I am right in

saying that there is not one here who would rob thee of this inestimable treasure for all

the world holds dear.

ALL. (loudly) Not one!

TSAR: No, I thought there wasn’t. Keep thy love, Freddy, keep thy love.

(Hands her back to FREDDY.)

FREDDY: You’re very good, I’m sure. (Exit RUTH.)

TSAR: Well, it’s the top of the tide, and we must be off. Farewell, Freddy.

When your process of extermination begins, let our deaths be as swift and painless as

you can conveniently make them.

FREDDY. I will! By the love I have for you, I swear it! Would that you could

render this extermination unnecessary by accompanying me back to Kingshead!

TSAR No, Frederic, it cannot be. I don’t think much of our profession, but,

contrasted with respectability, it is comparatively honest. No, Freddy, I shall live and

die a Pirate Tsar.


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